regardless of which one you started getting more of, it made the other one better?
For a long time in my marriage I have neither gotten enough non-sexual or sexual intimacy from my wife. But I can recall at one point a year or so back after watching a show on sex addiction where one of the men in Britain was called a sex addict because of wanting sex once a day (crazy brits) she agreed to try out the once a day for 2 weeks to see if it felt like addiction. I didn’t mind the lack of non-sexual intimacy during those two weeks. Currently we’ve been in marital therapy and though I don’t get as much of either as i’d like still, she’s made more of an effort on the non-sexual intimacy side. Previously i’d start getting irritated and cranky after 3 days without sex, but with her being more intimate non-sexually, its not so bad going 5 or 6 days.
Starsfan14, that was sort of what I had expected which is why I asked to see how this has worked for others. My belief before she started putting some effort in would have been that starting to do more of either would just make missing the other worse, as being emotionally closer with less frequent sex still being satisfying just seems counterintuitive. When you are emotionally closest (at least early in the relationship) is also when you are banging away the most often.
My wife wants more emotional intimacy from me; this translates to her wanting to discuss "feelings" all the time. I don’t get it; she can’t be in physical pain that much, so what are these "feelings" she keeps referring to? We go round and round about this. The net result is that I end up masturbating a lot.
I am wondering if going through couples therapy would help solve any marital problems.
Ive been married for almost a year now, and before me and my hubby got married we were content in our relationship, but after a month of marriage I got pregnant and hormonal. We did fight a lot when I was pregnant but we would make up and be happy all over again. Well something happened three months ago that I wasn’t to happy about, has put our marriage through more stress and now if we fight I cant seem to get over anything. I feel like the anger keeps piling up, I am emotional as hell especially because I am nursing. Thing is I am a glass half empty and he half full. I have been this way for a very long time and he hates that about me. Ive gone through a lot my whole life and he knows this and one thing I am trying to get him to understand is that I am a sensitive person. We live far away from home because he is in the military and where we live pretty much sucks. Ive complained and since our last conversation about keeping the words this place sucks out of our minds, Ive been trying to give this crappy place a chance, I go out, but most of the time we cant do much either because well we have a month old baby who takes up a lot of our time and the most we can do is go out for a bit. Another thing that has really made me mad is our wedding, I really really want to have a the wedding we were meant to have before our little one came along but he suggested us pay off all our bills in two years and then get married. He suggests that we pay everything with our cards thing is I don’t want to be in the same place we are in now, working to pay off bills and we cant even splurge a little without hurting. I tell him we should try and save money but then he says we cant because we would be left with nothing and well I got discouraged and now I don’t even want to plan a wedding, when its something Ive been wanting since we got engaged.
I don’t want to make excuses anymore to stay married. I don’t want our baby to be the only reason why we try to stay together, because I do love him and up until three months ago he was the only reason why I was happy and now I am really unsure of what to do.
We need help, we need to save our marriage not only for our daughters sake but for us, well atleast I hope he still loves me because sometimes it really feels like he doesnt care but that just maybe me. We are going home soon and I am hoping that being home would help a little, thing I dont want to come back home and all our issues be waiting for us.
ugh KD i am not selfish nor immature, If I were immature I would have bailed out or stopped trying but Im not. I do love my husband and care for him, and my child. I didnt get pregnant on purpose either, she came unexpectedly so yeah if I were some immature woman I think things would be worse dont you think?
Ive been in your situation, I have a 4 month old baby and before the baby, my husband and I were fighting non stop. Don’t blame all the problems on your hormones but they could be like 50% of the cause. Hormonal women tend to blow things out of proportion and when nothing is going right the whole world ends.
Now its also common for some women to be a glass half empty kind of person and for guys to be more positive. I mean if it weren’t for men like him some women would be emotional wrecks all the time, and its great that he is that way so he can be like your backbone or your support (if you understand where I am getting at) if your husband knows that your like this all sensitive he should know better and help you be stronger. Now have you told him this directly or hinting it off. You have to be direct with men and this I know because I have a husband who needs to be told things. Guys don’t like hints, its too much work for them.
Now your wedding don’t give up on it hunny, I know that day is supposed to be special and by what it sounds like you still want it. Talk about it, don’t sit there and not want to have a wedding just because your discouraged. Consider your husbands suggestion, I know you don’t want to be in a financial rut and not having money to spend but if your paying off bills and have them payed off by the time your wedding comes along it might not be much to pay off depending on how expensive the wedding ends up being. Also Saving money is also a good thing, try saving money and try to pay off your bills that way it doesn’t seem like your stuck in a rut. Now for your baby, you two are just going to have to face it, your parents now, and time is limited until your baby becomes independent. Your baby is going to put a lot of strain in your relationship and well that’s going to be forever. When you go back home enjoy your time, make your vacation time for you guys only not for anyone else.
If all fails then yes couples therapy is good and could help. You guys don’t seem to have problems that you cant fix.
Best wishes 
My husband has been extremely emotionally abusive (although he denies it). He has controlled me with the most hurtful and despicable claims; has watched me struggle with our five children and did not lend a hand; has taken delight in seeing me uncomfortable in life; and then he manages to conjure up ways that everything is all my fault. He has been inattentive to the children and I for a couple years; has time for Internet "friends" sites; time to look up old girlfriends; etc. He does not have any empathy whatsoever for anyone.
Now, he decided we’d go to therapy (something I have wanted for a long time), but he is so charming and coniving that he is twisting things to make is seem that everything is my fault. I’m afraid he is successfully convincing the therapist I am a bad wife. So, I decided I did not want to have to sit through another hour of hearing his lies and being unable to stick up for myself (the therapist only lets one person talk at a time, and he usually takes center stage for himself). Therapy has been more hurtful than helpful. I am looking for someong to acknowledge my pain and I am looking for support to come from somewhere, but it’s not happening. So, am I correct to stop going to therapy even though I do hope that by the grace of God my husband and marriage can turn around?
Stopping marriage counseling sounds smart in this case.
I used to be in the same situation except that the counselor didn’t take sides, wasn’t manipulated by my ex-wife, and saved my life when we did quit therapy by telling me my wife was a textbook case of borderline personality disorder. And to look it up to protect myself.
I’d say, while I don’t know your husband, people with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, either one, are just the way you describe your husband. Emotionally abusive, controlling, sadistic, lacking in empathy, EXTREMELY charming and convincing, and they accuse you of doing the things they’re doing wrong.
So I’d read up on those personality disorders as well.
Should he just go Dutch on his dates?
His dates always wind up with a spiked punch.
According to reports it says marriage and family therapist will be in demand come around 2018 because more people are starting to be open to that idea.
But why do you think people are so stand off-ish to the idea of getting help?
I mean sure you can be independent but once in a while we ALL need help.
I just notice there’s way too many couples/families lacking communication and have problems n complain about it but won’t do anything about it either so that’s why I’m wondering.
Also.. I wanna be a marital/family counselor so do you have any advice for me?
As a non-denominational Christian lay preacher, I’ve been involved in marriage and family counseling for some time. I think the reason so many people are against it is that counseling is over-recommended and over-used. I’d love to help everybody, but in many cases I can see from the outset that no amount or type of counseling is going to help. Most of the cases of counseling failures are cases where it shouldn’t have been tried in the first place, but there are so many of those failures that it gives counseling in general a bad rap. If counselors would be more responsible, and simply say "I’m sorry, but I really don’t think I can help you", many of the failures would be avoided and the successes would shine.
I know, of course that many don’t know enough about it to make an educated judgment but thanks ahead of time for making an attempt
I think it would get tiring listening to the gripes of others all day – despite your phD you’re still basically in a service field. It would be satisfying to see people stay together, but if something goes wrong you’ll feel at least partly responsible (for not being able to "fix" it). I think it’s a useful career, and will probably be in demand if divorce rates continue to increase. If it’s where your heart is, go for it!
having marital problems and putting me in the middle and they are not trying to ,but are i am a VERY EMOTIONAL PERSON I CRY OVER ANYTHING and my husband just lost his youngest closetst borhter this past weekend so i am trying to be strong for him and my family and daughter its hard b/c i think about his brother often his 5 kids and wife he left behind and my parents issues i told him i am not going to the funeral b/c i am very overwhelmed and do not want my daughter to see this she is 5. my mom and little sister left out of town today and i want to spend time with my dad but he also crys and is emotional i cant cry anymore i feel like im under the weather feeling b/c all his family is down and my parents are down what can i do for myself to not get sick ?help i have ansiety really bad and am trying to help myself naturally the sad part about his brothers death is that he was shot 3 times for his rims and music and was thrown on a lawn across the street from his other brothers house
you need to be discussing all this with your therapist, it is what you pay for.
We have only been married a little more than 3 years and we spent over 1yr of that in marital therapy. The first two years of marriage, we fought constantly. We separated last October, and reconciled before Christmas. Honestly I did not want to go back, but she kinda manipulated me. I thought there would be this great homecoming, but as I drove back to our apt, she called me up and whined and complained and cut down my family. In the last 7 months, there has been only less fighting, but no more intimacy and no more happiness. My wife is obsessed and totally codependent with her mom, who has been sabotaging our marriage since our wedding day. She whines and complains every day, without stopping. Some of my friends have stopped inviting us over. My wife only wants to have sex once a month-when she’s ovulating. She says she hopes for a miracle, even though I am sterile. The reason of my sterility is genetic, which I found out 18months after we got married. She belittles me about my condition, and my in-laws have as well. She says she has no sex desire whatsoever. When we were dating we had sex 4x week, sometimes more. After we got married it went down to once a week, and it slowly tapered from there. I don’t want to cheat, but I am not really sure that I could say no if a woman were to come on to me…anyone who would stroke my masculine ego just a bit. I don’t want to cheat, but I can’t stand living like a monk! I have to masturbate 3x week just to maintain my sanity. I want OUT!!! I am so miserable. She is miserable too..I know she only stays so she can get pregnant (she wants to do IVF with donor sperm), and because she does not want to disappoint her parents. I wish I was strong enough to leave today, but I am too scared to go back out there, to be the jerk, to be the ahole who initiates divorce. What is marriage about? Is this what people go through? This is just struggle and misery. We both have admitted that if we knew it was like this we would not have gotten married. I think about divorce a lot. I ask myself, "do I love this woman?" and I can’t say anymore that I do. We went to a marital retreat last year where we were told "love is a decision" but I can’t seem to genuinely feel that for her. Also at the retreat we were told that the retreat would not work if one member of the marriage "could not let go of a third person"…which I though they meant a paramour, but now I understand that for my wife that person she can’t let go of is my mother in law, who wants her all to herself. On one hand all I can think about is how everyone will be so disappointed and mad at me for giving up on marriage, on the other hand I think about starting a new life and having peace and pride again.
I have been right where you are now, except it lasted for 25 years to the day. After the first 7 years, there was no sex at all. No, I didn’t cheat – just followed the course that you are. But you are sentencing yourself to an indefinite period of misery.
Part of this is that you’re wondering why you didn’t leave her before, and you’re looking for reasons to stay. But now, with her talking about IVF, time is of the essence. You really have to end this, before she does it, because you may be on the hook for child support. You don’t have a marriage, you have a sham. You just need to come to terms with it, and them move.
From here, it sounds like you will need a lawyer – I doubt she’ll go for an uncontested divorce – so make an appointment for a consultation. Once you start your new life, and eventually start meeting new people (women), you will be blown away at how much peace and pride there is in your life. If she or her relatives bug you afterward, either answer their questions simply and honestly, or block their numbers and email. You need to walk away from this, so start taking the first few steps.
Ok so here’s the story. My fiance and I have been engaged for about a year and our relationship has always been great! We’ve been together 5 years and have never broken up or even thought about it. Within those 5 years we’ve only had 2 real "arguments". Of course we disagree on things, but it’s never an big issue. Well, lately it’s been getting worse and we’ve been arguing a little more than usual. I found myself way too deep into the wedding planning and stressing over stupid lil things. It came to the point where like a month ago I had an emotional breakdown and just cried and cried and started complaining about everything wedding and non-wedding related. Every night I wanted to complain or talk to FI about something new.
Now, I’ve come to realize that I was just stressed and needed to refocus and today I have a whole new outlook on the wedding. I’m not stressing at all anymore and I look back and think it was all just silly. However, my FI just recently told me that it freaked him out because he saw a side of me he never saw before and it made him really nervous. I admit I was out of control for a bit (like a few weeks) and although I KNOW I am not gonna be like that anymore, he’s still nervous. He said I have been exhausting him and told me he was even thinking about asking me to postpone the wedding until we know everything is cool. We talked and talked and he said he doesn’t know if this is prewedding jitters he’s getting or what because it’s not like either one of us has ever gone through an engagement before.
We’ve agreed to go to premarital counseling starting next week and not to talk about problems until then…just kind of try to be happy and get back to "normal". This happened a few days ago and since then, everything has been fine. We’ve been doing nothing but laugh and be affectionate lately like the way we always were before this happened, but I’m such a worry-wart and emotional person. I want to ask him if everything is ok, how he’s feeling, if those thoughts have gone away but I know bringing it up again is not the thing to do right now. He’s told me time and time again that he still loves me and wants us to be happy but I’m just nervous and scared.
Is this normal? Have any of you gone through it and does it usually go away? I’m hoping pre-marital therapy will knock some sense into us but until then I just wanted some advice. OMG this is long! Thanks everyone if you’re still reading! 
It sounds like you two are doing just fine to me. Planning a wedding is incredible stressful and it sounds like it just got the better of you. The old phrase, "This too shall pass", comes to mind.
I think it is a great idea to go to premarital counseling. All couples, no matter how great they are together or how long they have been dating, should go.
Best of luck to both of you.
I am 17 years young. My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years but its now not working for us. Is seeing a couples counselor too extreme? He and i want to stay together for a long while, marriage isnt in our near future, but a relationship is. We have tried almost everything to safe us. Do you also think there is an age requirement?
No – you can try therapy if you want it to work.
Peace.